It's really happening!

It's happening.  It's really happening!  I made a few strategic decisions to get me where I wanted to be and it worked!  This, along with the Universe working in my favor, of course.  Things seem to be shaping up in a healthy, perfectly-paced manor.  I do believe that 2013 is going to be a very exciting year!  Professionally, at least.  And Lord, let's hope romantically as well!

Happy New Year, y'all!

Much love to you and yours.

Ugh.

I've been having a rough few weeks.  I find myself sleeping A LOT.  Like, all weekend and about 10 hours a day during the week.  What am I avoiding?  What is going on?  I have also started clenching my jaw while I am working and sleeping, resulting in a MAJORLY sore jaw that makes it hard to even eat anything.  There is a knot in my neck that is so tight that I can't turn my head all the way to the left.  So, I ask you, what the hell is going on in my brain that my body is reacting so strongly to?  I am not about anything except money, but I am always stressed about money, so why would it effect me like crazy now?  Ugh, anyway, I just wanted to vent about my goings on...

Don't WE me!

You know what I hate?  Like, REEEEAAAALLLYY hate?? When people answer questions that were directed at them, as a single person, with "WE".   Or, when I tell one of my friends to 'have fun' at something and they respond with 'we will!'.  I wasn't talking to your partner - I was talking to YOU.  I don't give a rat's ass if your girlfriend or husband has fun!  And if I do, I'll tell them to have fun too! ARRGG. It irks me. 

What's worse? When they say things like, "Oh, we don't see movies like that" or "We don't eat seafood" AAHHH!!! 

The future awaits!

I have been a total blogging slacker!!! It's almost like there is TOO much to tell so I haven't been telling anything at all.  But I whined at my bff for not blogging at all lately, so I suppose I should practice what I preach. 

I have been dreaming and scheming a lot lately about my next adventure in life.  I am at a good place in my life, past all the shitty-boss drama, past all the guy-doesn't-love-me drama, and ready for some positive changes.  Mainly, I am finally ready to follow my dream of becoming a healer/counselor/knower of all things wonderful!  So, I am starting a certificate program in October to lead me start me on that path.  I have already started decorating my new office space in my head :)  I think it will be a hands-on type of counseling.  Walking, talking, learning, exploring... I picture myself walking along a river in the woods while talking to someone who just needs a little love and guidance to get them headed toward their destiny.  Most people just want someone to believe in them.  And what they don't know is that all they really need is to believe in themselves.  Well, I am here to help.  You'll just have to pay me to do so :)

Travel

I just had the BEST family vacation ever in beautiful Vermont! 

I've been back for 10 days and it has been a real struggle to get back into the swing of my "real" life.  So, what better way to push it off a bit longer, than to go to Lake Powell!?

I can't get there fast enough! 

Then, one more week of work and I am off to Boulder for the weekend! 



 I'm a pro at avoiding reality... :)

Just okay

I haven't written anything in quite a while because there's really not much to write about... Things are okay.  Yes, just okay.  Not terrible but not great.  Things with the man went down the shiter.  The new job is everything I wanted it to be and drama-free.  I haven't lost the 30 pounds I wanted to, I think I've lost about 8.  I still hate getting out of bed everyday and have no motivation to do anything after work.  My life is pretty mundane, pretty... okay.  Anyway, just thought I would say hi, in case you were wondering where I have been.  I'll try to come back more often with something whitty, or at least entertaining.  'Til then....

Things that make you go hmmm...

I recently went to one of my best friend's weddings and it was fabulous!  However, while I was there I was reminded how much I adore her and her family and on the flight home I started thinking about how different things were when people stayed in their home towns. 


I spend a lot of my time keeping in touch with my family and friends that have dispersed across the world and I often wish I could share a beer or a hug with one of them.  It is strange how much physical distance there is between all of us.  It leads me to wonder if our 'happy places' are where we live or who we live near. 

I have toyed with this idea for many years and I still don't have the answer.  Ideally, I would like in a place with mountains, ocean, a timid climate and all of my family and friends.  But that is never going to happen.  So, what is the next best thing? 

Random Rants and Raves

1.  Red Velvet cake always looks better than it tastes.
2. Toms are ugly.  Trendy girls only wear them because they are trendy.  I am no fashonista, but I know fugly when I see it, and Toms are fugly.  Although, if I were a trend-follower without my own identity or soul, I would be psyched when something comfortable finally became trendy also... so go for it girls, Tom away.  And if you say you bought them because they send a pair of shoes to the poor every time you buy them, that's bullshit, remember, you have no soul.  You probably think being charitable is trendy too.   
3.  I kept waking up last night with my brow squished up and my fists tightened.  What's up with that?
4.   I hate Times New Roman and Courier. 
5.  Making bread at 6,000 feet is really, really hard.  I don't know if it is me or my bread maker, but one of us needs to go.
 6.  I hate that time at the end of your period when you don't really need to wear a tampon but you kinda do... so annoying. 
7.  Why do people throw the word 'love' around?  There is nothing worse than when someone ends a conversation with a "love you" and you either have an awkward silence or you stutter and say "ugh, uh, um, thanks!" 
8.  Why, why, why!!! does my tongue love the salty/sweet combination SO much?!?! Life would be so much easier without taste buds.
9.  Disclaimer:  I have never stolen anything in my life.  (Well, I have walked out with a thing or two I didn't realize I was holding and then walked faster out of shock and fear...) Anyway, I hate when I am browsing a bookstore or a trinket shop and I feel like I am being watched.  I get a guilty feeling and feel the need to ask for help looking for something that I wasn't even looking for!  What's that all about?
10.  The people at my favorite sandwich shop know me by name and I love that. 

From Blue to Green

I made a little Kidney Cocktail for myself.  I juiced cucumbers, celery, lemon and parsley to help kick this kidney infection.  I am tired of feeling blue.. so I decided to feel green. 

Is it fair?

Is it fair to change your opinion of someone after learning about their past?  I am going back and forth on this one.  I am not a very judgemental person; I generally take 'em as I see 'em.  But I recently found out some things about a co-worker and for some reason I am looking at her differently now.  It's weird.  I thought she was the goodie-goodie, trustworthy, church-going type... but turns out that's only because her current man is a preacher.  I have never liked the kind of girls who change everything about themselves for every man they are sleeping with... and so it is weird for me to find out that she is that girl.  I mean, do you think the punk rockers that I have dated liked that I was into quilting? In case you're confused.. no, they didn't. 

So, what do you think?  Is it fair?

The New World of Dating...

I was laying in bed last night while my body tried to sort out the Excedrin, Advil, Tylenol and NyQuil I had given it and I started to wonder why so many people are funnier via text and social media than they are in real life.
I figured it out. It's because I am funny. So when I read things I make them sound funny whereas the dumbass who wrote it just meant it verbatim.

This got me thinking about men who are sweet via text. They're not sweet. I'm sweet, so I make things they say sweet in my head!  This means that all those sweet, funny men out there who are texting you sweet-nothings throughout the day are truly just as lame as the rest of the ass holes you've already dated.

You know who is as great as she claims to be? My dog. What you see is what you get. Just the way I like it. No games no lies no sneaking around no texting! She loves me for me and I love her the same right back. She's home when I get home and she goes to bed when I go to bed.  She loves me the same way and the same amount each and every day. God bless her.

Until I find a man that is as easy to love as my dog, I see no reason to date.

Plus, she doesn't snore.

Back to Black.

Life is easier when I dress in black and hate the world. I'm going to go back to that. Good feelings only lead to bad feelings and sick feelings and mad feelings. Fuck good feelings. If I ever go back to thinking good feelings are a good idea, someone out there PLEASE REMIND ME that it's a bad BAD idea! Remind me that it's not worth it and it'll only make the bad worse. And it all goes back to bad anyway. So don't bother with the good. It's not worth it. Stick with black. It'll always be there for you.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Make a John Daly!

And then move on with your day. 

My super exciting plans for this holiday weekend quickly came to a halt when I realized that I had purchased tickets for the wrong day.  It took me about 4 hours to accept that being blond isn't always a blessing and that I was going to have to take the good with the bad. 

Knowing I had three days off ahead of me my initial plan was to score some weed, watch bad movies and generally feel sorry for myself for the next 72 hours.  Junk food, tissues, sweatpants... had it all planned out.  But then my friends stepped in, as the always do (damn you) and we went to dinner on Friday night, at my favorite place, of course.  This was enough to lift my spirits and changed the tone of the weekend.  That night I decided that the next 72 hours could only go one of two ways... I could either choose to be Couch-potato-stoner-girl or Uber-productive-self-improvement-girl.   By some unforeseen miracle, I chose the latter. 

So, here I am doing homework, cleaning house, taking dogs for daily runs, and starting new crafty projects.  Who knew I had it in me?

One of my favorite people on the planet and I are making a quilt together - though we are 2000 miles apart.  It's from the Craftsy Block of the Month.  We have a little catching up to do....  But today I made January and it was totally fun.


So, with John Daly in hand, I am toughing out this bump in the road and trudging onward!  

On a mission!

Shit's getting serious bitches.

Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

So, Dude thinks things are going to work out between he and his girlfriend.

It is one of the most miscommunicated relationships I have ever had the detriment of witnessing.  It seems like they are in two totally different relationships.  Of course I think it is a huge mistake to stay with her because I have been where he is and it doesn't end well.  But it took me years to see it, so, who am I to judge? 

I knew this was a possibility the whole time but I really thought it was going to work out in my favor.   It's funny though because I don't feel rejected (like I would have expected).  I feel like I get where he is at and feel bad that he is there.  He is turning down this sweet little piece of ass for someone who isn't really that into him but he can't see it because he is so into her.  And I have been there, so I get it. 

Still fucking blows for me.  But I don't want to be with someone who is in love with someone else anyway.  So, what the hell was I thinking?  I'm sad and angry.  I knew he was in this relationship; he was honest with me the whole time.  But he lead me to believe that he truly wanted to explore things with me.  And if he really did, wouldn't we be doing that?  How can you be in a committed, loving relationship and still have a wandering heart?  I don't think you can.  I never have, anyway.

As one of my brilliant friends said, "The bottom line is you deserve uncompromising love and you are going to get it."  Maybe it won't be from him even though I want it to be.  Maybe it won't be tomorrow.  But it'll happen.  It will. 

The Day I Decided to Lose 30 Pounds

Something clicked when I was talking with my nutritionist today.  I don’t know what it was but she made me feel like it is possible to lose the weight that I so badly want off of my bones.  She gave me a completely reasonable plan to accomplish my goal of 30 pounds by June 1st. 

This is my goal for 3 reasons:

1. My brother is getting married in June and those pictures are going to be around for a looooong time.
2. I need more energy to get through this whole Grad School thing...  I seem to need A LOT of caffeine to get any work done at all.
3. Having sex with this new man is going to be WAY MORE FUN if I am comfortable in my own skin. 

Seems reasonable enough, yes? 

Likely I am going to have days of grumpy, hungry, tired, cranky fatness and this is where I will bitch about it.  So, consider yourself warned.

GO ME.  

What the hell?

Why is it that when you are sick the most annoying shit happens?  Like the only lightbulb in your closet goes out. And you stub your toe.  I mean, does the world really need to kick you when you're already down!?  I mean for fuck's sake - gimme a break here.

Emotional Leftovers - Nothing like Thanksgiving!

I have ended a few less-than-desirable relationships in the past year and have some observations to share.

After the initial shock, buyer's remorse, grieving stages of a loss, you go through stages of realizations, changes, and growth.  However, the "ptsd"s from the relationship stick around a lot longer than you would think.

For example, my new boss (who is tote fab) came up to me the other day and said, "do you have a minute to talk to me about your time off requests?" I instantly started to panic.  A million thoughts ran through my mind - all relating back to my previous, shitty boss.  What did I miss? Was there a form I was supposed to fill out?  I am too new here, I shouldn't have asked for ANYTHING!  Crap, she's gonna fire me.  Turns out - she wanted to know if I wanted to earn some comp time so that I didn't have to use vacation time... I lost a year off my life because of THAT?  Wow.  It has been over two months and I still cringe sometimes when she approaches me.  I can not WAIT for the day that the leftovers from my previous boss are gone.  

Another example - I was texting the new dude the other day and he wasn't responding so I wrote something snarky like "ok never mind then!" and he responded with "one minute...crazy".  Well, that touched a nerve, a big one, like the kind that run through your spinal cord and I flipped out.  I think all I said to him was "please don't call me crazy" but in my mind I was thinking - ohfuckyou, you think you're different from all the rest of those scumbag assholes out there?  well, you're not! you want crazy? I'll show you crazy!  ... turns out what he meant by his text was "hold on a minute, work is really crazy right now, I'll text you as soon as I can..." Ooops.  My bad.

So the moral of the story is ...  when you let people treat you like shit, you start expecting it from them and  everyone else around you.  What you have to do is learn to expect kindness from people and when they are not treating you with the respect and kindness that you deserve  - move on.  The bottom line is don't let anyone treat you like crap.  It's not worth the time it is going to take to rid yourself of those emotional leftovers that they leave behind after they are long gone.

What is all this for?

After I quit my (stressful, frustrating, draining) job things started getting better in my life.  I had more energy, I was more excited about being social with my peeps, I had time to call old friends, etc. So one day I finally threw away my single stalk of bamboo that had been staring at me for a year and asked the Universe to bring me love. 

This is what I got?  I have fallen in love with someone who is in love with someone else.  What is the point in that?  Why did the Universe send me THAT kind of love?  Yes, it feels nice to love, adore, and appreciate someone unconditionally.  But, where is it going to leave me?  Sad.  That's where.  How did I let myself be so vulnerable to fall into this evil trap?  I should have known better.  Dammit!

I mean, it's fine.  We will be friends and that is all well and good.  But I have a lot of friends.  I didn't ask the Universe for another effing friend! Actually, it's kind of the last thing I need.  I don't have enough time to give to my current friends as it is.  Why would I want another friend to think about, care about, worry about? I wouldn't.  So, there.  I don't want him to be my FUCKING FRIEND. 

THERE, I said it. 

World Turned Upside Down

Have you ever had a connection so strong that you are drawn to someone in a way you have never experienced before?  The closer we get to one another the more I doubt that I have ever truly loved anyone prior.  He brings me a sense of peace, calmness and joy that is truly delightful.  The security our friendship gives me makes me all that much more aware of the beauty in this world.  I have a natural affinity to this person that I can not deny and I have been wondering if this is what people call soul mates... 

Love

Love is a funny thing.  It comes in all shapes and sizes... at all different times... from all different directions.  Sometimes it comes from obligation.  Sometimes it comes from empathy.  But I am finding, when it comes from a place without condition, it can be one of the most amazing things one can experience.  To feel loved for doing nothing other than being myself is the most amazing thing in the world.

I do have a handful of amazing friends who have always loved me this way and I have loved and appreciated them every day of our friendship.  But now I am in the beginning stages of receiving this kind of love from a man and it feels vastly different from any other relationship I have ever been in.  I keep waiting for the judging to start or the snide comments to begin... but they aren't... and I don't think they will... and it's the weirdest (and most wonderful) thing to be able to be mad or sad or sick or hyper or tired or crazy and still.. feel.. loved!  Who knew?!

And the best part is... I don't feel like it's going away any time soon.  I remember feeling in previous relationships that they were always nearing the end.  Yes, we thought we were madly in love and we did have wonderful times together but really... we all know when something is off.  It's just a matter of admitting it to yourself and believing that you deserve more.  That's the key - the believing.  

It has taken a looooong time and a lot of work but I finally believe that I deserve more.  I deserve to receive love the way that I want to give love....wholly and with reckless abandon.  Okay, maybe not reckless, but you know what I mean... 

So, wish me luck in this new venture!  xoxo