Back to Black.

Life is easier when I dress in black and hate the world. I'm going to go back to that. Good feelings only lead to bad feelings and sick feelings and mad feelings. Fuck good feelings. If I ever go back to thinking good feelings are a good idea, someone out there PLEASE REMIND ME that it's a bad BAD idea! Remind me that it's not worth it and it'll only make the bad worse. And it all goes back to bad anyway. So don't bother with the good. It's not worth it. Stick with black. It'll always be there for you.

Emotional Leftovers - Nothing like Thanksgiving!

I have ended a few less-than-desirable relationships in the past year and have some observations to share.

After the initial shock, buyer's remorse, grieving stages of a loss, you go through stages of realizations, changes, and growth.  However, the "ptsd"s from the relationship stick around a lot longer than you would think.

For example, my new boss (who is tote fab) came up to me the other day and said, "do you have a minute to talk to me about your time off requests?" I instantly started to panic.  A million thoughts ran through my mind - all relating back to my previous, shitty boss.  What did I miss? Was there a form I was supposed to fill out?  I am too new here, I shouldn't have asked for ANYTHING!  Crap, she's gonna fire me.  Turns out - she wanted to know if I wanted to earn some comp time so that I didn't have to use vacation time... I lost a year off my life because of THAT?  Wow.  It has been over two months and I still cringe sometimes when she approaches me.  I can not WAIT for the day that the leftovers from my previous boss are gone.  

Another example - I was texting the new dude the other day and he wasn't responding so I wrote something snarky like "ok never mind then!" and he responded with "one minute...crazy".  Well, that touched a nerve, a big one, like the kind that run through your spinal cord and I flipped out.  I think all I said to him was "please don't call me crazy" but in my mind I was thinking - ohfuckyou, you think you're different from all the rest of those scumbag assholes out there?  well, you're not! you want crazy? I'll show you crazy!  ... turns out what he meant by his text was "hold on a minute, work is really crazy right now, I'll text you as soon as I can..." Ooops.  My bad.

So the moral of the story is ...  when you let people treat you like shit, you start expecting it from them and  everyone else around you.  What you have to do is learn to expect kindness from people and when they are not treating you with the respect and kindness that you deserve  - move on.  The bottom line is don't let anyone treat you like crap.  It's not worth the time it is going to take to rid yourself of those emotional leftovers that they leave behind after they are long gone.

Third time's a charm!

Have you even been asked if you were pregnant when you weren't?  Yes?  How many times? Once, twice?  Well, I've got you beat!  THREE TIMES! 

The first time was years ago and I was wearing a baby-doll shirt.  Ok, I'll let that one slide. 

The next one was just because I am plaid, old fat. 

And today? Today was, well, because now not only is my mid section fat, but I must have the "Hi, I'm pregnant round face" because the woman couldn't even see my body!!!

I've had the (smiling and rubbing her belly) "So, is it official?".  And now the, "Are you all ready for the baby?" AND - all three times I was asked by WOMEN!

HELLO LADIES! This is in Chapter Fucking One of your "Things to Never Ask" Handbook!! 

As my bestie would say, Oh. Em. Gee. 

Unisex clothing

Why do they call it unisex clothing?? It's not. It's men's clothing. Why don't they just call it men's and admit that their company is too lazy to make women's clothing?? I may not be shaped like a super model but I am also not shaped like a square robot! Geesh!

Is it me or America?

Why do I always look for greener grass? I wanted a "real job" - I got it. I wanted a 4 Runner - I bought one. I wanted to live in a beautiful place - done. So, why do I keep looking? I have a great job with paid vacations and room for advancement and I still want more. More, more, more. Well, it's not even that I want more, I just want different. I want to feel as though when I come to work I am helping people less fortunate than I am. Whether they are hungry or sick or sad or poor. I want them to know that I care about them and I am do not think that I am any better than they are. I want to hear their stories and find out what their dreams are. Then I want to help them get even an inch closer to their dreams. But when I get that job, will it be enough or will I still want more?