Love is a funny thing. It comes in all shapes and sizes... at all different times... from all different directions. Sometimes it comes from obligation. Sometimes it comes from empathy. But I am finding, when it comes from a place without condition, it can be one of the most amazing things one can experience. To feel loved for doing nothing other than being myself is the most amazing thing in the world.
I do have a handful of amazing friends who have always loved me this way and I have loved and appreciated them every day of our friendship. But now I am in the beginning stages of receiving this kind of love from a man and it feels vastly different from any other relationship I have ever been in. I keep waiting for the judging to start or the snide comments to begin... but they aren't... and I don't think they will... and it's the weirdest (and most wonderful) thing to be able to be mad or sad or sick or hyper or tired or crazy and still.. feel.. loved! Who knew?!
And the best part is... I don't feel like it's going away any time soon. I remember feeling in previous relationships that they were always nearing the end. Yes, we thought we were madly in love and we did have wonderful times together but really... we all know when something is off. It's just a matter of admitting it to yourself and believing that you deserve more. That's the key - the believing.
It has taken a looooong time and a lot of work but I finally believe that I deserve more. I deserve to receive love the way that I want to give love....wholly and with reckless abandon. Okay, maybe not reckless, but you know what I mean...
So, wish me luck in this new venture! xoxo
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Third time's a charm!
Have you even been asked if you were pregnant when you weren't? Yes? How many times? Once, twice? Well, I've got you beat! THREE TIMES!
The first time was years ago and I was wearing a baby-doll shirt. Ok, I'll let that one slide.
The next one was just because I am plaid, old fat.
And today? Today was, well, because now not only is my mid section fat, but I must have the "Hi, I'm pregnant round face" because the woman couldn't even see my body!!!
I've had the (smiling and rubbing her belly) "So, is it official?". And now the, "Are you all ready for the baby?" AND - all three times I was asked by WOMEN!
HELLO LADIES! This is in Chapter Fucking One of your "Things to Never Ask" Handbook!!
As my bestie would say, Oh. Em. Gee.
The first time was years ago and I was wearing a baby-doll shirt. Ok, I'll let that one slide.
The next one was just because I am plaid, old fat.
And today? Today was, well, because now not only is my mid section fat, but I must have the "Hi, I'm pregnant round face" because the woman couldn't even see my body!!!
I've had the (smiling and rubbing her belly) "So, is it official?". And now the, "Are you all ready for the baby?" AND - all three times I was asked by WOMEN!
HELLO LADIES! This is in Chapter Fucking One of your "Things to Never Ask" Handbook!!
As my bestie would say, Oh. Em. Gee.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Unisex clothing
Why do they call it unisex clothing?? It's not. It's men's clothing. Why don't they just call it men's and admit that their company is too lazy to make women's clothing?? I may not be shaped like a super model but I am also not shaped like a square robot! Geesh!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Walking away with dignity
I did it! I took a chance on myself and left that job. And, man-oh-man does it feel good!! I sleep better, eat less, and smile more. Leaving that environment felt like moving out of an abusive household. A twisted, secretive, controlling, judgmental, dysfunctional household.
I quit without having a job (or even applying to one) and knew, in my soul, that the world would take care of me. And it did. I was offered every job that I interviewed for. So, to all of you who are unhappy and dread their work days - I am here to tell you that there ARE jobs out there. Companies ARE hiring and you CAN be happier.
It took me realizing that I was not supposed to be able to "handle" anything like that. For years I questioned myself, asking myself why I wasn't able to cope with or handle that environment. Once I realized that the problems weren't my inabilities or weaknesses, I was able to walk away without a regret in the world.
If you are in a situation that makes you feel like a crazy person - GET OUT. NOW. Life it too short to live that way. There is a big, loving and accepting world out there just waiting to embrace you and all that you have to offer. I promise.
As for the awful boss I left behind, she is still there and isn't going anywhere any time soon. I only have one thing to say about that - karma is real and it is coming to get her.
I quit without having a job (or even applying to one) and knew, in my soul, that the world would take care of me. And it did. I was offered every job that I interviewed for. So, to all of you who are unhappy and dread their work days - I am here to tell you that there ARE jobs out there. Companies ARE hiring and you CAN be happier.
It took me realizing that I was not supposed to be able to "handle" anything like that. For years I questioned myself, asking myself why I wasn't able to cope with or handle that environment. Once I realized that the problems weren't my inabilities or weaknesses, I was able to walk away without a regret in the world.
If you are in a situation that makes you feel like a crazy person - GET OUT. NOW. Life it too short to live that way. There is a big, loving and accepting world out there just waiting to embrace you and all that you have to offer. I promise.
As for the awful boss I left behind, she is still there and isn't going anywhere any time soon. I only have one thing to say about that - karma is real and it is coming to get her.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Living in Dreadville
I feel like I am living Groundhog's Day in Dreadville. My office makes my head feel like a chainsaw is being driven through my skull. I have 3 blind spots in my right eye. The stress of hating my boss has driven me over the edge. She is never here, never working, and never aware of what her employees are doing. Meanwhile, we are all here trying to keep the fucking ship afloat!!
However, I feel like I'm never going to happy here because a year ago when she was a workaholic and micro-managing the shit out of me, I hated her then too! So, what am I supposed to do?
I like my job but I can not stand the environment that I work in. In order to get through the day, I have to light candles and listen to freakin' Enya for god's sake! It's ridiculous.
However, I feel like I'm never going to happy here because a year ago when she was a workaholic and micro-managing the shit out of me, I hated her then too! So, what am I supposed to do?
I like my job but I can not stand the environment that I work in. In order to get through the day, I have to light candles and listen to freakin' Enya for god's sake! It's ridiculous.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Nearing the end?
This is the second Tuesday in a row that I have woken up thinking it was Friday. To me that means that my Mondays are WAY too long and stressful. What do you think?
I work with 8 women - 5 of them that are INCREDIBLY difficult. When I started this job, it was great. I loved my manager, loved the business, loved the benefits. But, a year into the job, I was promoted to a different position and was given a new manager. She is one of the Dreadful 5. I have now worked for her for 2 years and it has not become any easier. Just as I think things are settling down and the office dynamics are going to remain calm for a while, BAM! Someone has a fit and is throwing a temper tantrum about some stupid thing or another. I can't DEAL WITH IT anymore! These women are making me batshitcrazy.
Two years ago when I started to hate my job, I told myself that I had to give the company (and my resume) 3 years of my time to see if things improved. Well, that 3 year mark is 3 months away and I still get anxiety-tummy driving to work.
I struggle with leaving because I am not a "quitter" and because I don't want to leave and then be in a worse situation. But is that even possible? Do all 50 year old women pick on each other and back-stab each other like these women do? I don't know!
Please help!!!
SK
I work with 8 women - 5 of them that are INCREDIBLY difficult. When I started this job, it was great. I loved my manager, loved the business, loved the benefits. But, a year into the job, I was promoted to a different position and was given a new manager. She is one of the Dreadful 5. I have now worked for her for 2 years and it has not become any easier. Just as I think things are settling down and the office dynamics are going to remain calm for a while, BAM! Someone has a fit and is throwing a temper tantrum about some stupid thing or another. I can't DEAL WITH IT anymore! These women are making me batshitcrazy.
Two years ago when I started to hate my job, I told myself that I had to give the company (and my resume) 3 years of my time to see if things improved. Well, that 3 year mark is 3 months away and I still get anxiety-tummy driving to work.
I struggle with leaving because I am not a "quitter" and because I don't want to leave and then be in a worse situation. But is that even possible? Do all 50 year old women pick on each other and back-stab each other like these women do? I don't know!
Please help!!!
SK
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I'm taking tomorrow off... so that I don't go to jail.
Do you ever feel like your life is being taped? Like it is all a really bad joke that someone is playing on you? This week feels that way to me. It feels like the world is out to get me and my reactions to each gut-punch are being taped for future blackmail.
I've tried to stay calm through the repetitive jabs but today I hit a breaking point. This point came when I had to sit across from my boss at a boardroom table for 8 hours while she giggled at texts she was receiving from the man I have had my eyes on for months. As if that wasn't enough torture, I had to then go to dinner with her and listen to her go on and on about how sweet he is and how great their "connection" is. UUGGHH!! I wanted to throw up on her. She kept looking at me and asking if I was okay - she said I seemed a little "off". Well, YES, I am OFF! You are fucking the guy that was supposed to be fucking ME!
If this is a test, I am determined to pass it. And to do so, I can't go to work tomorrow. If I did, I would fail. And fail hard.
I was trying really hard to be happy for them. But then I decided, fuck it. As my therapist would say, I need to honor my authentic feelings. So instead of being happy for them, I am going to kill them.
I've tried to stay calm through the repetitive jabs but today I hit a breaking point. This point came when I had to sit across from my boss at a boardroom table for 8 hours while she giggled at texts she was receiving from the man I have had my eyes on for months. As if that wasn't enough torture, I had to then go to dinner with her and listen to her go on and on about how sweet he is and how great their "connection" is. UUGGHH!! I wanted to throw up on her. She kept looking at me and asking if I was okay - she said I seemed a little "off". Well, YES, I am OFF! You are fucking the guy that was supposed to be fucking ME!
If this is a test, I am determined to pass it. And to do so, I can't go to work tomorrow. If I did, I would fail. And fail hard.
I was trying really hard to be happy for them. But then I decided, fuck it. As my therapist would say, I need to honor my authentic feelings. So instead of being happy for them, I am going to kill them.
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