What the hell?

Why is it that when you are sick the most annoying shit happens?  Like the only lightbulb in your closet goes out. And you stub your toe.  I mean, does the world really need to kick you when you're already down!?  I mean for fuck's sake - gimme a break here.

Emotional Leftovers - Nothing like Thanksgiving!

I have ended a few less-than-desirable relationships in the past year and have some observations to share.

After the initial shock, buyer's remorse, grieving stages of a loss, you go through stages of realizations, changes, and growth.  However, the "ptsd"s from the relationship stick around a lot longer than you would think.

For example, my new boss (who is tote fab) came up to me the other day and said, "do you have a minute to talk to me about your time off requests?" I instantly started to panic.  A million thoughts ran through my mind - all relating back to my previous, shitty boss.  What did I miss? Was there a form I was supposed to fill out?  I am too new here, I shouldn't have asked for ANYTHING!  Crap, she's gonna fire me.  Turns out - she wanted to know if I wanted to earn some comp time so that I didn't have to use vacation time... I lost a year off my life because of THAT?  Wow.  It has been over two months and I still cringe sometimes when she approaches me.  I can not WAIT for the day that the leftovers from my previous boss are gone.  

Another example - I was texting the new dude the other day and he wasn't responding so I wrote something snarky like "ok never mind then!" and he responded with "one minute...crazy".  Well, that touched a nerve, a big one, like the kind that run through your spinal cord and I flipped out.  I think all I said to him was "please don't call me crazy" but in my mind I was thinking - ohfuckyou, you think you're different from all the rest of those scumbag assholes out there?  well, you're not! you want crazy? I'll show you crazy!  ... turns out what he meant by his text was "hold on a minute, work is really crazy right now, I'll text you as soon as I can..." Ooops.  My bad.

So the moral of the story is ...  when you let people treat you like shit, you start expecting it from them and  everyone else around you.  What you have to do is learn to expect kindness from people and when they are not treating you with the respect and kindness that you deserve  - move on.  The bottom line is don't let anyone treat you like crap.  It's not worth the time it is going to take to rid yourself of those emotional leftovers that they leave behind after they are long gone.

What is all this for?

After I quit my (stressful, frustrating, draining) job things started getting better in my life.  I had more energy, I was more excited about being social with my peeps, I had time to call old friends, etc. So one day I finally threw away my single stalk of bamboo that had been staring at me for a year and asked the Universe to bring me love. 

This is what I got?  I have fallen in love with someone who is in love with someone else.  What is the point in that?  Why did the Universe send me THAT kind of love?  Yes, it feels nice to love, adore, and appreciate someone unconditionally.  But, where is it going to leave me?  Sad.  That's where.  How did I let myself be so vulnerable to fall into this evil trap?  I should have known better.  Dammit!

I mean, it's fine.  We will be friends and that is all well and good.  But I have a lot of friends.  I didn't ask the Universe for another effing friend! Actually, it's kind of the last thing I need.  I don't have enough time to give to my current friends as it is.  Why would I want another friend to think about, care about, worry about? I wouldn't.  So, there.  I don't want him to be my FUCKING FRIEND. 

THERE, I said it. 

World Turned Upside Down

Have you ever had a connection so strong that you are drawn to someone in a way you have never experienced before?  The closer we get to one another the more I doubt that I have ever truly loved anyone prior.  He brings me a sense of peace, calmness and joy that is truly delightful.  The security our friendship gives me makes me all that much more aware of the beauty in this world.  I have a natural affinity to this person that I can not deny and I have been wondering if this is what people call soul mates... 

Love

Love is a funny thing.  It comes in all shapes and sizes... at all different times... from all different directions.  Sometimes it comes from obligation.  Sometimes it comes from empathy.  But I am finding, when it comes from a place without condition, it can be one of the most amazing things one can experience.  To feel loved for doing nothing other than being myself is the most amazing thing in the world.

I do have a handful of amazing friends who have always loved me this way and I have loved and appreciated them every day of our friendship.  But now I am in the beginning stages of receiving this kind of love from a man and it feels vastly different from any other relationship I have ever been in.  I keep waiting for the judging to start or the snide comments to begin... but they aren't... and I don't think they will... and it's the weirdest (and most wonderful) thing to be able to be mad or sad or sick or hyper or tired or crazy and still.. feel.. loved!  Who knew?!

And the best part is... I don't feel like it's going away any time soon.  I remember feeling in previous relationships that they were always nearing the end.  Yes, we thought we were madly in love and we did have wonderful times together but really... we all know when something is off.  It's just a matter of admitting it to yourself and believing that you deserve more.  That's the key - the believing.  

It has taken a looooong time and a lot of work but I finally believe that I deserve more.  I deserve to receive love the way that I want to give love....wholly and with reckless abandon.  Okay, maybe not reckless, but you know what I mean... 

So, wish me luck in this new venture!  xoxo