What is all this for?

After I quit my (stressful, frustrating, draining) job things started getting better in my life.  I had more energy, I was more excited about being social with my peeps, I had time to call old friends, etc. So one day I finally threw away my single stalk of bamboo that had been staring at me for a year and asked the Universe to bring me love. 

This is what I got?  I have fallen in love with someone who is in love with someone else.  What is the point in that?  Why did the Universe send me THAT kind of love?  Yes, it feels nice to love, adore, and appreciate someone unconditionally.  But, where is it going to leave me?  Sad.  That's where.  How did I let myself be so vulnerable to fall into this evil trap?  I should have known better.  Dammit!

I mean, it's fine.  We will be friends and that is all well and good.  But I have a lot of friends.  I didn't ask the Universe for another effing friend! Actually, it's kind of the last thing I need.  I don't have enough time to give to my current friends as it is.  Why would I want another friend to think about, care about, worry about? I wouldn't.  So, there.  I don't want him to be my FUCKING FRIEND. 

THERE, I said it. 

World Turned Upside Down

Have you ever had a connection so strong that you are drawn to someone in a way you have never experienced before?  The closer we get to one another the more I doubt that I have ever truly loved anyone prior.  He brings me a sense of peace, calmness and joy that is truly delightful.  The security our friendship gives me makes me all that much more aware of the beauty in this world.  I have a natural affinity to this person that I can not deny and I have been wondering if this is what people call soul mates... 

Love

Love is a funny thing.  It comes in all shapes and sizes... at all different times... from all different directions.  Sometimes it comes from obligation.  Sometimes it comes from empathy.  But I am finding, when it comes from a place without condition, it can be one of the most amazing things one can experience.  To feel loved for doing nothing other than being myself is the most amazing thing in the world.

I do have a handful of amazing friends who have always loved me this way and I have loved and appreciated them every day of our friendship.  But now I am in the beginning stages of receiving this kind of love from a man and it feels vastly different from any other relationship I have ever been in.  I keep waiting for the judging to start or the snide comments to begin... but they aren't... and I don't think they will... and it's the weirdest (and most wonderful) thing to be able to be mad or sad or sick or hyper or tired or crazy and still.. feel.. loved!  Who knew?!

And the best part is... I don't feel like it's going away any time soon.  I remember feeling in previous relationships that they were always nearing the end.  Yes, we thought we were madly in love and we did have wonderful times together but really... we all know when something is off.  It's just a matter of admitting it to yourself and believing that you deserve more.  That's the key - the believing.  

It has taken a looooong time and a lot of work but I finally believe that I deserve more.  I deserve to receive love the way that I want to give love....wholly and with reckless abandon.  Okay, maybe not reckless, but you know what I mean... 

So, wish me luck in this new venture!  xoxo

Third time's a charm!

Have you even been asked if you were pregnant when you weren't?  Yes?  How many times? Once, twice?  Well, I've got you beat!  THREE TIMES! 

The first time was years ago and I was wearing a baby-doll shirt.  Ok, I'll let that one slide. 

The next one was just because I am plaid, old fat. 

And today? Today was, well, because now not only is my mid section fat, but I must have the "Hi, I'm pregnant round face" because the woman couldn't even see my body!!!

I've had the (smiling and rubbing her belly) "So, is it official?".  And now the, "Are you all ready for the baby?" AND - all three times I was asked by WOMEN!

HELLO LADIES! This is in Chapter Fucking One of your "Things to Never Ask" Handbook!! 

As my bestie would say, Oh. Em. Gee. 

Unisex clothing

Why do they call it unisex clothing?? It's not. It's men's clothing. Why don't they just call it men's and admit that their company is too lazy to make women's clothing?? I may not be shaped like a super model but I am also not shaped like a square robot! Geesh!

Walking away with dignity

I did it! I took a chance on myself and left that job. And, man-oh-man does it feel good!! I sleep better, eat less, and smile more. Leaving that environment felt like moving out of an abusive household. A twisted, secretive, controlling, judgmental, dysfunctional household.

I quit without having a job (or even applying to one) and knew, in my soul, that the world would take care of me. And it did. I was offered every job that I interviewed for. So, to all of you who are unhappy and dread their work days - I am here to tell you that there ARE jobs out there. Companies ARE hiring and you CAN be happier.

It took me realizing that I was not supposed to be able to "handle" anything like that. For years I questioned myself, asking myself why I wasn't able to cope with or handle that environment. Once I realized that the problems weren't my inabilities or weaknesses, I was able to walk away without a regret in the world.

If you are in a situation that makes you feel like a crazy person - GET OUT. NOW. Life it too short to live that way. There is a big, loving and accepting world out there just waiting to embrace you and all that you have to offer. I promise.

As for the awful boss I left behind, she is still there and isn't going anywhere any time soon. I only have one thing to say about that - karma is real and it is coming to get her.

Living in Dreadville

I feel like I am living Groundhog's Day in Dreadville.  My office makes my head feel like a chainsaw is being driven through my skull.  I have 3 blind spots in my right eye.  The stress of hating my boss has driven me over the edge.  She is never here, never working, and never aware of what her employees are doing.  Meanwhile, we are all here trying to keep the fucking ship afloat!! 

However, I feel like I'm never going to happy here because a year ago when she was a workaholic and micro-managing the shit out of me, I hated her then too!  So, what am I supposed to do? 

I like my job but I can not stand the environment that I work in.  In order to get through the day, I have to light candles and listen to freakin' Enya for god's sake!   It's ridiculous.